Everybody knows that Lagos and traffic are like five and six. Inseparable like two peas in a pod, even though I’ve never really understood the sense behind that idiom. I mean, what’s a hammer for?
I digress, though.
My point is, Lagos is no stranger to traffic; in fact, it leads the charge. A 2012 article on Business Insider described Lagos Traffic as “the worst in the world”. And in case you’re thinking that 2012 is a long time ago, need I remind you that when it comes to Nigeria, things adhere to the principle of always upward.
That being said, Nigeria as a country also has a set of traffic rules the likes of which you will never find anywhere in the world. Now, these rules are not known to everyone but a select few, the elite and the chosen. Think of them like the Unwritten rule in Basketball.
Nigerian drivers took out time to create and personalize their own traffic rules. Do they guarantee safety and smooth traffic flow? That’s for you to answer after reading this.
Ten Funniest Nigerian Traffic rules
Pedal to the metal. Always
“Oga, go and put the learner at the back of your car”, my mom would say anytime we were driving on the highway and she spots someone driving slowly. This is because it is an unwritten rule in Nigeria that anytime you are on a highway, you have to be on the accelerator.
Anything otherwise, you are a learner. Next time you are on the highway and you see cars honking at you or drivers wriggling their fingers at you, you might be driving slowly. This is your cue to channel your Formula 1 spirit and floor the accelerator.
I mean, what have you now been watching Fast and Furious for all these years?
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Danfo drivers are all experts
Who is that person asking me what danfo is? If I stone you konko shoe.
In every state in Nigeria, bus drivers look at other car drivers the way Greek Gods look at mere mortals. Every bus driver, whether experienced or not, is an expert.
Whenever you are driving, please ensure to stay clear of bus drivers. They are genetically better drivers, and any attempt to teach them otherwise will end badly for both you and your vehicle.
A word is enough for the wise.
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Speed limits are just for aesthetics
You’ve seen those road signs that tell you to drive at a particular speed.
In normal traffic laws, motorists are supposed to drive at whatever speed limit is depicted. In Nigeria, instead of obeying them, we smile when we see these signs because they beautify our roads.
You can see a bus zoom past a sign that clearly states to drive at 40km/h, and who are you to stop them? They are gods, remember?
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There is no “shortcut” in traffic
When driving on a go-slow in Nigeria, resist the urge to channel your civil engineering skills and find shortcuts. You should also try not to follow a shortcut that has been discovered. Remember the biblical saying; “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof is the way of death.”
Calm down, it’s not death like that, but regret that you didn’t stay on course. Because whatever spirit whispered to you to take that shortcut also definitely whispered to hundreds of other drivers, and all of una go meet for there like…
Okada riders have nine lives, with spare ones at home
I mean, what else can explain why they drive like bats from hell without thought of tomorrow? Motorcycle riders, including the ones that deliver goods, are the definition of nonchalance and pride. They laugh in the face of death and they are not afraid to take down other road users with them.
Coincidentally, their accidents happen to be the most dangerous. After all is said and done, when driving, ensure to stay clear of these riders. You have just one life.
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When apprehended by law enforcement officials, keep your keys
Remember the unwritten rule? Most times, cars apprehended by officials and drivers are quick to drop their keys to allow them to drive the car to their office.
You must ensure to have your driving papers complete. But if you don’t, negotiate your way out of the situation. Keep your keys. If you allow your car to enter their premises, I’m sorry for you.
Also, never, and I mean, never, ever submit the original copies of your driving papers.
Hazard lights will actually cause hazards
Hazard lights, also called double pointers, are used if a vehicle is stationary to warn other road users that it is causing a temporary traffic obstruction. You may have broken down, had an accident, run out of fuel, or been forced to stop by an obstruction in the road (hehehe… not for Nigerians).
For Nigerians though, hazard lights translate to, “I’m on a rampage and no one is stopping me on this lane”.
When you are on the highway and notice a car behind you beaming those double-pointers, change lanes like your life depends on it. Because it might.
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Potholes are the crucibles in which great drivers are forged
Potholes are a danger to driving and can cause a lot of damage to the driver and the car. One would naturally expect Nigerians to outcry to the closest level of government to help with these road mishaps.
However, Nigerian drivers use potholes and their ability to avoid these potholes as a testament to their driving skills. If you can’t, you are either a learner or not a regular on that road.
Zebra crossing. Lol
I remember a scene I witnessed live in Lagos. A student was trying to cross, and rather than waiting for traffic to abate, he just plunged right into it.
Why? He was walking on a zebra crossing.
Suffice to say there was a lot of last-minute swerving, squealing brakes and screaming insults at mothers. And when the student shouted that he had the right of way since he was on a zebra crossing, the driver angrily retorted, “she iya e jo zebra ni?” | “does your mother look like a zebra?”
What is the moral of this story? Zebra crossings are for zebras and zebras alone, so unless you’re black and white, you have no business using them.
Don’t call while driving
Nigerians do the exact opposite. They even go as far as making video calls. It has become a norm for us to receive calls while driving.
The only time Nigerian obey this rule is when there is a law enforcement officer close by. Passengers watch bus drivers do this, and children watch their parents do it too.
Here in Nigeria, the ability to receive calls while driving is a testimonial to your driving prowess.
When crossing, look left, right, left again, up, down, and left again
The common rule for pedestrians when crossing is to look left, right and then left again.
Nigerian drivers, especially okada riders, do not recognize one-way and drive wheresoever they please. It’s imperative (important, critical, essential, pertinent) that you look at both sides before crossing the road.
Hitchhikers. For where?
Everyone is familiar with the Hollywood trope where someone can travel all the way from New York to Alaska without spending shishi. All they need to do is stand by the side of the road like…
And within a few minutes, some Good Samaritan will stop, ask where they’re going and offer to drop them along the way.
That is in Oyinbo-land.
In Nigeria, one of these things will happen:
- You will sleep on the side of the road, because nobody will trust you enough to stop for you.
- If someone eventually stops, you run the risk of them being a ritualist or kidnapper.
In fact, the only way you can successfully make a driver stop is if you fling yourself under the wheels of their car.
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Directional signals?
Directional signals are lights on vehicles used to signal turns or emergencies (an example is hazard lights). However, do not ever use them as basis for an argument after someone ran into you. Talmabout “didn’t you see me trafficating?”
Who told you Nigerian drivers understand them? To them, your car was probably winking at theirs, probably trying to toast it.
Similarly, don’t use hand signals. Nigerian drivers are unused to such courtesies and will erroneously think you’re making obscene gestures at them and their mothers.
Need I elaborate on how this can end?
When asking for directions, use three-factor authentication
If you find yourself turned around and you need a bit of help locating your… well, location, ask Google Maps. Trust me, you don’t know how much of a friend Google Maps can be.
However, if peradventure he falls short of the task and you need to ask people who live around, never make the mistake of just asking one person and trusting their judgment.
The problem is that, nobody wants to appear like they’re ignorant. Hence, even when they have no idea what you’re asking for, they will direct you nonetheless. You must ask at least four people (one will definitely be different) and go in the direction of the majority.
And even then, don’t be surprised if you still lose your way.
Your skills mean nothing
The fact that you’re a skilled driver who has been driving for thirty years does not count for shit in Nigeria. Remember that everyone is also an expert (we even have gods too).
So don’t think that, “ehn, I will swerve this way, so common sense dictates that he will go that way”. Who told you he has common sense?
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Nigerian Traffic Rules
Driving in Nigeria is more nuanced than what you learned in driving school. It takes years of experience to achieve the status of a professional, and you have to be unhinged enough to achieve that status.
