“I don’t have access to the kids. I don’t have access to finances and even more things. I feel left out,” she screamed. Now, that’s the second-wife syndrome.
A typical African tradition encourages polygamy, and the divorce rate is increasing daily. So don’t be shocked if you have many second wives in your street.
Many of them suffer from troubles they never foresaw while preparing to marry and pack into their new home.
One complained about the first wife, even though they divorced, prying into their family’s financial affairs. Demanding to know the worth of her car and other expenditure
Then, one said it’s even more terrible when there are kids. The first wife decides where, when, and how all family functions take place.
But then, we are not here to wail and moan over woes, this article wants to consider this galling second-wife syndrome and proffer as many solutions as possible.
I found out something, in the course of my research, “second wives still live happily”. That means, if you’re a second wife, there’s a “how” for you to be happy, and you ought to know it.
If you’re a second wife, or you like gist, stick as we unveil a means to not pay for something you didn’t bargain for. I’m talking about the second wife syndrome
What is Second Wife Syndrome
In formal writing, Second wife syndrome is a feeling of marginalization, or being left out or never consulted because you’re a second wife.
This can occur in second marriages that bring in children from ex-spouses and those with no previous children. It may even be worse when it is a polygamous home.
The second-wife syndrome can affect marriage bonds and keep a woman on the edge. It is a bad situation.
One second wife said It’s like dating someone who is still dating their ex. Terrible right? But then understand that if it is a polygamous marriage, the other wife and children are his family too.
And if it is a situation of divorce, the kids are his family too. There are going to be interruptions from his kids, but they are also your family.
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The main issue: second wife syndrome
Every second spouse has this feeling of being marginalized. They want to suit in so perfectly and be their partner’s first choice. But this is a mistake.
There are two reasons why you feel marginalized, inadequate, or not enough.
- Your partner makes you feel that way
- You’ve been witch-hunting yourself with something that doesn’t exist.
The second is the most popular, you better admit it. Trying to be your spouse’s past partner that he no longer wants to be with doesn’t sound wise, does it?
Oh, you want to be better, so you start a comparison that your partner hasn’t even thought of. You’ll end up hurting yourself because your judgments will never be in your favor.
And in the case of polygamy. You can just accept everyone as one big family. If they were doing just fine, he wouldn’t have married you.
Before I start my sermon of acceptance (I am hoping you’ll read at the later part of this article) let’s just dive briefly into…
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…What Spurs the Second Wife Syndrome
Nobody is talking about blame here. However, knowing the cause of a problem can help you tackle it squarely. Own up to these issues and you’re halfway out of the second wife syndrome.
Comparison
Comparison is the killer of any second relationship. If you are constantly trying to outmatch another lady, you’ll never have the time to live for yourself.
One said, she always checked out past pictures and social media memories of her husband’s ex. Sweetheart, you’ll achieve nothing more than heartbreak with that.
Others have engaged in one form of comparison or the other, just to their hurt.
Indeed, people (his kids, friends, and colleagues included) will not readily accept a second wife. But you need to gently allow them to notice, understand, process and accept the change by being yourself. (not trying to fit into another lady’s shoes)
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Lack of communication
If your previously married spouse verbally compares you with his ex, that can heighten the second wife syndrome.
it’s time to have a good talk with him. Appeal to him, don’t shout. Remember not to accuse him but rather say what is hurting you. Check out how to communicate with your spouse effectively, so you do not have him becoming defensive.
When you don’t communicate how you feel with your spouse when he throws up this comparison, you’ll never get to know if he innocently said it.
Over thinking situations
One second wife listened as her husband explained his experience with his ex-wife during their first childbirth to his neighbor. This lady almost broke into tears, she started to feel that her husband missed his first wife.
Ultimately, she was hurting herself by overthinking a discussion, she wasn’t even called into.
Feelings of being Segregated
Kids and Daddy want to go out for a ride in the countryside, something they enjoy. Because you weren’t consulted, but only asked to join, you refuse to go.
Dear Second wife, the syndrome will continue if you always distance yourself from family functions or other general events.
Family functions may be uncomfortable but how long will you run away from them?
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How to solve your Second Wife Syndrome
Here are some practical ways to stop the second-wife syndrome. Read, act out, and your heart will thank you.
Stop the Comparison
Comparison is the killer, you need to stop it and erase all traces of them in your thoughts. You can drop viewing her status or monitoring her life for a while.
You can also get your peace back if you stop checking into your husband’s past more frequently. Every memory is not directed at you. Stop your self-sabotage
SEE ALSO: How to make a girl fall in love with you madly
Acceptance
Acceptance is another key.
Accept the fact that you are a second, and you weren’t part of most of your spouse’s life. He has done a lot of happy things without you as so have you.
Acceptance isn’t a drawback, it’s a hard choice. It will help you move on with the rest of your lives. You can’t do anything about the past, so why dwell on it?
Communicate effectively with your partner
To harmonize the family better, you have to be honest about your feelings with your partner. If they are the cause of your hurt, let them know politely.
By communicating with your partner he can help you get past this second-wife syndrome faster especially if he verbally affirms you in front of everyone.
Get a Journal
In this journal, you can spill out those things that make you feel bad. Maybe you don’t want to tell anyone yet, but with a journal, you can let off steam so you don’t get irritated, angry, or transfer aggression to your new family.
Affirm yourself
I am good enough, I accept myself, I can do it… and the list goes on. Affirming yourself constantly will increase your self-esteem and worthiness.
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The second-wife syndrome is depressive, and it can break marriages, if you’re a stepmom or second wife by any means at all, then you need to brace up to this truth and clear your head as soon as possible.
