Three words are guaranteed to trigger your partner’s heart rate. No, it’s not “I love you” or “Will you eat my a…” Okay, that’s already more than three words. However, these words in question are “What are we?”
See, there comes a time in a relationship’s existence when either of the couples begins to wonder. Usually, a few months in, they’ve probably made the beast of two backs several times, and maybe they’re even already comfortable farting in each other’s presence. However, there is something missing. Something important to the relationship, is to define what the hell they are doing.
There is no label.
In branding and marketing, a label is a piece of information that allows you to identify a brand on sight. And a relationship, in a manner of speaking, is a brand, which needs a label. Something to define it.
Hence, the what are we question.
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Defining The What Are We Question
The “what are we?” discussion is an important one, in which a couple has a heart-to-heart to define what exactly their relationship is all about. From here, they can determine one of two things: are they committed to a future together, or are they just friends having fun?
More and more couples are finding it necessary to have the “What are we?” talk, thanks to the “hooking up and hanging out” culture. The way people get involved currently in relationships is that they get physical way too soon, and then they have to start figuring stuff out like, “Do we have trust and should I commit to the relationship?” or “Are we just friends?”
This is risky, because they don’t know since they might not have the foundation of friendship, trust, and commitment.
However, the “What are we?” discussion isn’t necessarily always negative, and could even bring a couple closer together. And, as always, it all boils down to how it is executed.
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Tips To Ask The What Are We Question
You might hate confrontations or asking for things, or you are probably one of those people who likes to “go with the flow”.
This is a must-have conversation you do not want to skip, otherwise, you might find yourself in a relationship that is carrying you to where you don’t know. And the good (ish) news is that there are only two answers available: you either hear what you want to hear or not.
There is no room for confusion.
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1. Make sure it is the right time
As with everything in life, the timing of you asking the “What are we?” question is absolutely crucial, because the worst thing you can do is ask the question too early and scare off a keeper because he/she thinks you’re too eager.
If you have been in a romantic relationship for a while and you are worried about where it is headed, then it is time to have that conversation. But imagine only meeting two months ago, and after just three dates, you’re already dropping the question. Yes, there might be love at first sight, but at least, let the love see clearly.
2. Don’t worry about scaring them off
Peradventure, you have waited for what you feel is the appropriate time, but then you are worried that you will scare your partner off if you start the “What are we?” talk. Well, don’t be. A partner who wants to stay in the relationship will stay, regardless.
If your partner wants to break up with you because you are asking to define your relationship status, you both do not belong together in the first place. In fact, this is a perfect way to know whether you both are headed in the same direction.
3. Have the conversation face-to-face
As tempting as it can be to have this talk over the phone, so you do not have to deal with messy emotions, it is a bad idea. Texting is far too ambiguous for this type of conversation, and phone conversations just aren’t the same as meeting face-to-face.
If you are sure that you want to have a relationship with this person, then maturely discussing things in person is the absolute best way to start things off. It will also foster better communication in your relationship.
4. Don’t be dramatic
A little drama is all well and good, but some of us can be too dramatic for our own good.
As mentioned earlier, the “What are we?” discussion is a very important one, one that forces into perspective a partner’s intentions and makes them think about them if they lacked them before. So, hitting your partner up and announcing, “We need to talk,” might not be the best way to go about it.
“We need to talk” is a sentence that can throw your partner into panic and send them into DEFCON 1. Do not start your conversation with that. You want to have this conversation in a relaxed mood to get the best result.
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5. Keep it light…
There is no need to make the “What are we?” talk a war council. You can make it light, even starting the conversation on a funny note. This will make both you and your partner relax and have that conversation effectively.
6. …But be straightforward
Just because the talk is supposed to be light doesn’t mean you should go off-topic or maybe even take another detour into the bedroom and end up forgetting what you wanted to talk about.
Resist the urge to have a long, drawn-out debate about your feelings. It will be easier for both of you if you are direct and clear. This means you need to develop the confidence to broach the subject so you can know where your relationship is headed once and for all.
7. Give your partner time to think
Of course, you are expecting your partner to immediately give you a favorable answer because asking the question probably means you are ready to commit to the relationship. However, it is okay if they don’t have an answer right away; it doesn’t mean they are not on the same page with you. They might just need to think about it to realize it.
8. And DO NOT RUSH THEM
Let them think deeply and come to terms with their own feelings.
And if it turns out they do not give you the response you are hoping for, it is not the end of the world. Yes, you can feel sad, but you would do well to move on. Do not settle because you have lost hope of finding someone else who wants the same commitment as you do.
Keep searching, and you will find the right person.
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“What are we” Responses
- “I don’t know. I’d love for us to find out.”
- I love you.
- “You’re special to me, and you know that, but I don’t want to complicate what we have by putting a title on it.”
- We’re friends.
- “Whatever we are, it is something good and worth holding on to.”
- I don’t want a long-term relationship.
- We are pencils in the hands of the creator (We all know I would be failing as a Nigerian if I didn’t add it)
- “I like you a lot, and I think we share a deeper connection. I’m not sure about labels, but I want to explore this relationship further.”
- I don’t want to get married.
- I see a future with you.
- We’re having fun.
- “I think we have a special connection and enjoy spending time together. Let’s continue getting to know each other and see where it leads.”
- We’re in a committed, monogamous relationship.
- I like you, but I don’t think you’re the one.
- We’re a couple.
- I really don’t know.
- “I enjoy our time together, and I’m open to seeing where things go. Let’s take it one step at a time and just enjoy what we have.”
- I want to marry you.
- “I’m not ready to put a label on it just yet, but I genuinely enjoy our connection. Can we take some more time to understand and define our relationship on mutual terms?”
- I want to spend the rest of our lives together.
- “It’s important to communicate openly and honestly about our feelings. What do you think we are? Let’s have a conversation about our expectations and define our relationship together.”
- What do you think we are?
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Wrapping Up The What Are We Conundrum
What you hear could surprise you, and it could cause you to feel ecstatic, excited, happy or relieved. Then again, a response you don’t want to hear could cause you to feel upset, devastated, disappointed, frustrated, angry or sad.
It takes courage and vulnerability to ask someone “what are we?”. It’s no small thing. But having the conversation early on will save you a lot of time and heartache and investment in a relationship that is not going anywhere, and you can then begin to focus on another relationship based on friendship and trust and commitment with someone who wants that with you.
And I know that personally, I’d rather learn where I stand in a relationship than continue to see the person, wonder what they are thinking, and possibly harbor resentment for them not expressing their feelings either way.
