If only you could see my face right now as you start to read this. So, you saw an article titled “how to cheat like a pro” and you clicked on it? What exactly are you looking for? No, tell me, what’s your excuse?
You were curious? It was a mistake? The devil made you do it?
Hold up, what are you trying to do? Go back? Puhleeze! You’re here already, and we’ve seen you, so what’s the essence of your quick exit after you’ve marked attendance? Might as well front your wicked ways with your full chest and learn something.
Now, I’m not going to bother with the whole “I do not endorse cheating” disclaimer. If you want to cheat, that’s your business. In fact, I will encourage it as a single guy, partly because it is my duty to hate on relationship people and also so that, when you are inevitably caught wet-handed, it frees one more fish back into the ocean, relationship-ically speaking.
So, by all means, here are seven tips for you on how to cheat properly.
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How To Cheat Like A Pro
Discretion is key
Unless you have brass balls (literally and figuratively), you definitely know that your side piece should remain a secret. Not even your friends should know about them, because you never know which one of them can decide to become The Good Samaritan and provide an anonymous tip to your main.
This is undoubtedly the most important tip on how to cheat. Be discreet. And not just any kind of discreet; the kind of discreet that can see you lodge all your side chicks in apartments in the same house, yet one has never caught you with another.
Award-winning discreet.
Make sure they are in a relationship
Number two on our surefire tips on how to cheat is selecting the right kind of cheating partner. Big bum bum and breasts is all well and good for criteria, but you also want to pick someone who is in a relationship.
Why is this important? Well, it reduces the risk of drama, because there is less tendency for them to start clamoring for promotion like a single side piece would. A cheating partner who is in a relationship will avoid drama as much as you because they don’t want to cast.
Win-win for everybody.
SEE: 10 Red Flags In Relationships You Should Never Ignore
They must have speed
Another criterion you want in a cheating partner is speed. As in, Barry Allen-level speed.
You want somebody fast. You want someone that’s nimble and quick to react. Someone that, once you hear your partner coming in the distance, they’ve already got their underwear on the wrong way and are out the window, running with their heels slapping the back of their heads.
This also applies to you, in case it’s their partner that is about to catch you.
Stealth is important
If you’ve ever tried to steal meat from the pot at midnight before, then you know how precious stealth is. Moving like a ninja and knowing that one misplaced step can mean doom.
Up until you mistakenly kick this bucket and wake up the entire local government.
Nevertheless, when it comes to pro tips on how to cheat, stealth is important too. For situations where your partner walked in before your side could utilize their speed and then you have to turn them around while your side piece sneaks right behind them and escapes through the front door.
Fighting spirit
Once again, this “how to cheat” goes for both you and your side piece, to be able to defend yourselves if either of your partners walks in on you. I mean, sampling someone’s partner and beating them on top of it again?
How badass is that?
RELATED: Side Chicks: The Problematic Third Wheel
Begging spirit
So, yes, you’ve failed at the simple task of keeping your cheating ways a secret and your main has caught you. A very traumatic experience for them, probably because as a babe, your man caught you getting pounded in a kind of hardcore way that will haunt him for the rest of his life.
And, to make matters worse, while trying to storm out, he slipped on a used condom and fell facefirst into the wet spot on the bed.
This is where this final tip on how to cheat properly comes in. You will want to have cheated with someone very persuasive, so that they can join you when you’re begging for forgiveness.
He might even throw in a little. “Forgive her now. You guys make a cute couple. I hope to one day have what you guys have.”
How To Cheat Properly: Let’s Wrap It Up
I think I’ve tried a lot for you. Now, you are equipped with the knowledge to go out there into the world and fornicate to the best of your abilities. I won’t ask you to use the power wisely, because, like I said, I’m not rooting for you.
Hopefully, one of these “how to cheat” tips fails you in some epic manner and you will come banging on my door to blame me for teaching you bad things, only to see your babe open the door wearing my Spotify hoodie. I am a good bestie, after all, with good shoulders to cry on.
YOU SHOULD ALSO READ: Besties: The Beloved Third Wheel
